Ok.. it must have been more than 2 months since I last saw him beside me.. What am I to do.. I’m so torn apart.. I still think of him.. I am hurting so much deep inside.. I feel my heart is burning at times.. Will time really help heal wounds.. well I still choose to believe it does.. but it’s a matter of time.. but how long.. months.. years.. gosh..

Whats happening to me.. crashing crashing crashing.. I am so lost.. lost amidst my feelings for him.. guys.. pls just stay away from me.. I feel myself on the verge of exploding at times.. I hate the feeling.. I hate what I’m allowing myself to go through and letting myself sink deeper and deeper.. but what was I to do.. I just cant bear to let him go.. I miss him really badly..

Its been almost a month since I last saw him.. Time passes so fast.. I had thought if I could keep my mind occupied with work and friends and stuffs.. I would gradually forget him.. and that the pain would subside.. but now I know I’m wrong.. utterly wrong.. the pain and hurt remains.. they get deeper and deeper.. as I begin to count the days and sweet memories..

He is so far away now.. But it didn’t use to be this far.. I thought there was something special between me and him.. Well.. I turned out to be a passing cloud I guess.. Everytime the bus passes by his place.. I wonder if he’s in.. if I ever came to his mind.. and if he knows I’m thinking of him.. I wish I had an answer to what he’s thinking.. but I cant bring myself to ask.. Maybe becos i’m afraid to hear the truth and I dun wana face it.. oh my.. I am so contradicting myself.. but I guess that’s how foolishly silly I get when I put all my feelings in someone..

It has been a really quiet week.. almost a week since I last heard his voice.. It feels really terrible.. I wish I can relive the sweet memories.. of us two together.. the happy times.. and the wonderful moments I haven’t felt in a long long while.. But I’m only reliving them in my thoughts.. my dreams.. Every night before I go to sleep.. there is just one thing on my mind.. to dream of him.. to see him appear in my dreams.. I dun wan him outta my life.. I dun wana give him up.. and I dun wana forget him.. becos I know I have fallen for him.. and I really like him..

So.. another quiet Saturday night.. here I am.. all alone in my room.. facing my 2 companions.. the pc and tv once again.. Yesterday night.. had a chilling and drinks session with friends.. chatting chatting and chatting.. talking back of the old times back in uni.. oh those carefree days.. Kinda miss them.. Then we started talking about our current lives and how some of us have been getting on etc.. and the big topic.. being attached and marriage.. Suddenly it dawned on me that I am the only one whose single at the table.. and among those friends we hanged out with.. oh dear.. kinda shocked myself..

Hmm.. logically speaking.. good guys and gals should be grabbed up fast.. like hotcakes.. but why is there still a nice gal sitting right in front of the machine typing away on a lonely Saturday night.. Haa.. alright.. its me I was talking about.. Yes.. I believe I’m an awfully nice gal.. dun claim that I have good looks.. less to mention a fabulously womanly figure.. Well.. gotta accept the fact that I may not be as well-endowed as the average gal should be.. and may not have the washboard abs that slim gals like me supposedly have.. at least I am pretty sure I am hiding them well.. Haa.. I suppose packaging does matter.. and dressing to hide your flaws does a bonus point too.. so overall I still look pretty good.. well.. at least the moment I step out of the house.. so what exactly is the big freaking problem with me then.. why am I still typing away.. arghhh..

After so so so much thoughts and all.. I reckon its all gotta do with me.. not physically though.. should I say mentally or psychologically.. haa.. well.. its just me.. my character I guess.. just not open enough to blend with today’s society.. yes I admit I am indeed a foolishly conservative gal.. well.. perhaps not that I really choose to be conservative.. maybe I’m just not confident about myself.. less willing to open up to people.. to allow them deeper into my life..

Every now and then.. there has been guys around me.. dating me out.. finding ways and means to get to know me better.. dropping hints to get closer and all.. but i guess I dun really care and just cant be bothered.. I always believe in myself.. believing strongly that I know what I want and being able to stay focused in love.. to date.. I still hold true to the belief.. maybe this very part of me is the root cause of why I’m still single.. although yes.. I have to say.. there are men around me.. guys around me who are interested in something more and something further than just platonic friendships..

Well.. at least I hope that some day.. somehow.. somewhere out there.. someone.. some guy.. will truly appreciate that in me.. I still believe in true love.. still hoping day and night to be with the guy I love.. to say I do.. to start a family.. loving hubby and lovely kids.. At times.. I just hate to admit to others that I am still waiting for true love.. and yes.. I still do wana settle down and be someone else’s wife.. it’s the cancerian instinct I guess.. try as I might to put on a bo chap attitude and that I’m still-young and no-hurry response.. I despise myself for not being strong enough to show everyone how I truly feel deep down..

At times.. when I feel damn lousy and down.. I cant help but think about the worst case scenarios.. well.. I picture at the end of the day.. after attending so many friends’ weddings and seeing people all around me exchanging marriage vows.. I’m still scarily alone.. single and alone.. still pinning for that special him.. and he could very well be pinning for someone else’s wife.. haa.. ok.. I’m digressing.. but that’s completely possible too.. haa.. But know what.. I am still standing true to my belief that I would rather love than be loved..

Well.. that is not to say that loving someone when your feelings are not reciprocated is a damn good feeling.. haa.. of cos it isn’t.. trust me.. it hurts terribly when you know that you cant openly show him your emotions.. cant openly let him know how much you feel for him.. how much you miss his presence and all.. you’ve gotta hide your love and whatever.. ya.. it’s a horrible and painfully unimaginable and indescribable bitter feeling.. But at least it beats having bees and flies around you to upset your life and distract you from the special someone.. When I love.. I need no distractions.. I need no flowers.. no chocs.. no little gifts.. etc.. I just need the love from the special one in my heart..

Being in love and thinking about my love brings a smile to my face.. especially now that love is so faraway.. thinking about him and the sweet memories we had.. and the wonderful future I thought we were going to share.. Does he know exactly how I am feeling right now.. Argh.. at times I do wish that he knew.. so that I can shower my care and concern out in the open.. yet at times.. I wish he doesn’t.. and I try not to mention it to him.. becos I dun wana distract him.. he is still thinking of his previous love.. I dun wana be disillusioned once more.. I dun wana relive in the world where I thought I had everything with him.. and before I even wanted to let go.. everything slipped away from me.. so silently and painfully..

But I do not wana give up.. I am unwilling to love for the sake of love.. and I am not prepared to give up my love.. and jump into any relationship with any other guy out there.. whether they love me more or they dun.. my love is all I want right now.. I only hope for us to stay as friends.. good friends.. someone he thinks of when he’s not thinking of his past love.. someone he calls when he feels happy or sad.. someone who can be there for him when he needs me..

I did look into the mirror.. I am definitely not ugly.. and I do look slightly better than the average gal.. with the packaging of cos.. haa..

Well well well.. took me such a long while to decide whether I should even be writing or rather.. typing these stuff.. Feel down down and down.. throat feels uncomfortable.. kinda sore.. nose kinda runny etc.. looks like it’s the flu bout again.. and cough keeps coming back every now and then.. Body aching all over.. could it be the few hours spent over the past few days painting.. Hmm.. doesn’t seem that possible cos it’s a mere few short hours everyday.. Well.. I reckon when one’s mood is down.. and there is a lack of focus and goal in one’s life.. the viruses and bacteria whatever nots come knocking.. Yes.. that brings me to the fundamental reason for the existence of this blog.. this physical avenue for me to pen my thoughts.. troubles.. happiness too I hope.. Ya.. I’m feeling down.. very very down.. very very troubled and the big word.. disillusioned.. Checked up the meaning of that word in my Longman dictionary and it says something like feeling bitter and disappointed over something or someone.. something along that line.. And yes.. I’m indeed feeling bitter and disappointed.. and very disillusioned..

What’s happening in my life.. I feel damn terrible.. Singlehood is fine.. perfectly fine.. I always stood by the belief that being single beats having to live your days facing someone who loves you so much and yet you kinda feel sorry for him the feelings are not reciprocated.. I still believe that true love exists.. and silly me.. yes.. still waiting to find my true love.. and live happily ever after.. that’s the real me in this real life.. At any point of time when the words of being determined to stay single for life get spilled out of my mouth.. well.. it is not the true me speaking from the bottom of my heart.. it’s the giant-wannabe.. the tough-gal-wannabe.. So.. it all boils down to one thing.. you can lie to the whole world.. and mislead them for all you want.. but at the end of the day.. it is you who face the mirror and live the life everyday.. Face it.. Ya.. I’m trying to.. No idea who I can confide in.. dun wana lose face.. dun wana hear any kind words of consolation or advice.. that’s why here I finally am.. sitting in front of this machine..

Miss the good days.. the sweet days.. so sweet that it makes me sad I’m probably not going to find them back again.. and they will forever remain just sweet memories.. Yes.. I’m totally disillusioned.. thought i held it in my hands just barely a month ago.. and yet.. before I even get enough.. it slipped through my hands and fingers once again.. I miss the cake I so lovingly and sincerely made with all my effort and feelings.. I miss the conversations we had.. the smses we exchanged.. the msn chats we had.. the phone chats.. the goodnights and wan ans we said to each other.. the silly stuffs I did all out of love I thought.. everything was so magical then..

Maybe I’m just not good enough.. ya.. I did and do think of that every now and then.. I know some things and people and feelings are just irreplaceable.. but I thought I could make a difference.. becos of love.. But again.. I’m disillusioned.. things dun usually run so smoothly I guess.. at least not in my life.. He is still missing the good old days shared with his ex gf.. I’m hurt.. disappointed.. bitter and all.. But I’m not telling anyone.. maybe I cant.. I shouldn’t.. I dun really know.. all I know is it’s really painful.. if only physical pain can make one forget the emotional pains.. I would gladly do the exchange.. Everyday.. I’m seeing and witnessing for myself trails and trails of his not-dying-yet love for his ex gf.. So much for me to bear.. But how do I control the contradiction in me.. knowing very well I might just be another passing cloud that almost confused his not-dying-yet love.. well.. things are kinda impossible for the two of us.. yet yet yet.. I cant help but bring myself to still fall into it.. so deep so deep so deep..

I dunno what I’m gonna do anymore.. I dun wan him outta my life.. not yet pls.. dun take him away from my life as yet.. but so what.. what can I do or say to make myself feel better.. Yes perhaps I can.. wish him happiness from the bottom of my heart.. which I already am doing and wishing.. but what else is there that I can do for myself and my hurting soul.. I miss him.. everything about him.. everything that we used to share and thought we shared.. whatever.. it doesn’t matter.. Simply.. I miss him.. I so wana go back to the sweet old days.. days where I could almost see myself smiling everytime he came to my mind.. I wan no distractions.. I dun need cars.. chauffeurs.. nice men.. sweet favours.. whatever.. I just need.. him I guess.. as a friend who feels that teeny weeny something for me.. that simple.. yet so unthinkable and unachievable.. and the irony was that these actually were supposed to be a reality some one month plus ago.. oh so sweet.. Ya I’m really injured this time.. reality bites and hurts.. sure painful.. and unbearable.. I’m so so so disillusioned.. I’m falling still..